Lonely
My kids have gone to my mothers for 3 weeks.  They've been gone 5 days sofar and I miss them terribly.  Even with the sounds of all the people in the apartments around me I feel silence pressing down on me.  Thank God for the puppy.  At least I have one thing that needs me to get out of bed in the morning.  Otherwise I would probably stay there all day being sad and crying myself into a migraine.  I sure love my babies.

Sleep

I love that my kids, who were so adamant that it was the weekend and they could stay up late, crashed at 10pm in less than 5 minutes.  And I love that at 10:56pm I am barely able to keep my eyes open to write this :)

Thankfulness

I don't want to say I had a conversation with someone today because it was completely one sided.  I listened to this person bitterly complain about how their parents were the epitome of evil and the cruelty they showed to her and her husband of whom they didn't approve.  On and on and on.  I'm all about a good rant when you need it, but she went directly from crucifying her parents to complaining about the man their daughter is going to marry.  He isn't the one they approve of and "how dare she have started dating him when she was 18.  She wasn't allowed to date yet! Plus there is this other guy who gets along so well with them, he would be much better for her, he thinks exactly like they do."  I tried to point out that this persons parents felt the same way about her husband but I don't think I even scratched that surface.  She has no shame in saying that she wishes her daughter had never been born because her husband never loved the child.  How bitter they are that they never got to travel to Europe because they didn't want to take her daughter with them. Wow! I am so thankful that I push myself daily to allow my kids the freedom to be themselves and me still love them beyond everything else.  I mean, ya, I yell too much and am trying to remember to encourage rather than scold but somehow listening to this woman made me feel as if I'm doing it right.  At the same time I feel extremely sad for her daughter and I hope, really hope, that her daughters husband is smart enough to take her away from her bitter parents and show her what unconditional love really is.

Guilt

I've been online for the last 4 hours looking up tutorials and patterns to sew a costume for my older daughter.  That isn't where the guilt topic comes from though.  I just find it amusing that in all that time I didn't bother to write anything.  Instead, I wait until I am exhausted and finally laying down to sleep.  So now I have pulled the computer back up onto my bed and here goes.

Guilt. As I layer down I thought about what time my alarm is set for, how much time that leaves me to shower, get dressed, make lunches and get the kids up. Then I remembered I have to take the puppy out to go potty and so I calculated another 5-10 into the equation.  Thoughts of the puppy reminded me of the dog and cats we used to have and sadly gave away, which made me think specifically of the cat, Rosella, which made me feel incredibly guilty.  It was unfair to the cat, unfair to my daughter who loved it as her own child, unfair to the rescue who took her in and found her a new forever family.  I really suck sometimes, even if I am doing things for what I hope is the best outcome for all involved.

Nightly writings

So a friend of mine at work and I have been talking about "writing" pretty much for the last 6 years.  We talk about the novels we have in our heads, the short stories we really need to put on paper, the show ideas we'd love to pitch if we could only get the pitch written. I even flubbed an entry to the "Dark Crystal Prequel" contest with all my grand ideas and actual lack of putting the pen to paper. In yet another attempt to get that "writing" thing going my co-worker suggested just doing one paragraph a day.  I am a night person and so my paragraph has become the "last thing I do before I'm allowed to go to sleep" ritual.  I think of one idea that fits into my days' musings and write something vague-ish around it.  Here's what I've done so far:

Anger

To love someone so dearly and still get so aggravated with them that you just want to smack them in the head with a beer bottle.  It seemed something so terrible to me when I was young and only responsible for my own actions.  Having the charge of teaching another human how to BE a good human seems to be able to bring out the worst in my humanity.  I stare into my child's eyes, knowing I would jump in front of a bullet for her and at the same time wanting to smack the sassy grin from her face.  I get it. No parent is perfect.  No person is infallible. If I didn't have these flashes of thought I would probably be no better than a robot dispensing food and clean laundry.  But do you ever wonder why those thoughts come on SO strong, and SO evil?  Driving down the freeway, listening to the screaming of two children hurling their worst insults at each other. Part of me wants to laugh at how silly they sound with their seriousness at "poopoo head" and "stupid face", and a quieter, evil part of me just wants to drive off the side of the road into the empty reservoir below.  The thought that runs through my head is "at least we will all die together".  Seriously? WTH???

PMS

People love to harass others by accusing them from suffering from PMS whenever the mood turns sour.  I always thought of it as the crampy and therefore crabby time of the month when "Aunt Flow" comes to call.  But this weekend I really thought about the P.  It's not during MS it's Pre, as in right between cycles.  Funny I hadn't though of it before, having had the joys of being super in tune with my reproductive cycle while trying to conceive my children, but about 2 weeks after that dreaded, annoying Aunt comes to visit is when I seem to lose all sense of patience with my children.  I get emotional, go from wanting to take them to disneyland to wanting to lock them in their dirty room until either it's clean or they starve to death.  And then the guilt, the sadness over pretty much nothing.  My brain screaming at me that I'm being a prat, while my mouth screams at my children that they aren't being good listeners and need to do what I say even if I haven't said anything.  Yah, I'm thinking that maybe I should try some Midol..... but for now all I have is beer and cookies.

Time

I'm really good at writing down plans. I can fit about 80 things into a 24 period without overlapping them. Somehow that seems to be where my talent with time ends.  The list seems so easy to do when I'm thinking it out but when I actually begin to put the plan into action it's all of a sudden overwhelming and impossible.  Washing the laundry, check, super easy. Folding the laundry?  Ugh! I just need to relax for a few minutes first, which then turns into an hour, pushing the next task out of it's time frame and stressing me out further, which then requires more "relaxing" (relazing would be a better word for it).  Add a serious time deadline though and I can magically get it all done at triple speed.  If guests are coming over suddenly I can thoroughly clean the house, get the kids bathed and dressed, put on make-up and be all smiles in a matter of hours.  No guests... well, I can always clean the house tomorrow right?  And the kids are going to go swimming anyway so why bother taking a bath tonight. Ugh!

Puppy Pee and Responsibility

So we got a new puppy last night.  Rescued it as a woman was dumping it off at the animal shelter.  The plan was to just "look" and not bring one home until maybe tomorrow.. you know... after I had a chance to buy pee pee pads, food, water bowl, etc... but life never seems to go exactly as planned whether that's good or bad.  We stopped at the local huge pet supply house and got all the necessities, no worries there, but today has been a fail when it comes to potty training the cute fluff ball.  Hyper active children, weak bladdered animals and carpet just don't seem to go well together. And thus the delimna in my head.  Do most people go to the efforts I do to get that pee out of the carpet immediately? Or do most people just say "Whatever, it's a rental, I'll clean the carpets after the dog is trained."?  It would lower my stress level SIGNIFICANTLY if I could do the latter, not to mention save me money on paper towels.

Relationships

Two friends of mine just announced their engagement today and though I am super happy for them both, my thoughts have turned selfish and painful.  What is so wrong with me that I am left unloved?  I already know the answer but it's more fun to wallow in self misery than be pragmatic about the direction of ones' life.  The reason I am single is because I consider myself undateable.  I hate my own skin. I feel superior and yet inferior to every single man I meet.  I hide behind my fat and sarcasm, daring anyone to break through the crusty wall I've built to protect myself from rejection and isolate myself from acceptance. It's so easy to blame it all on my desire to protect my kids, but really I've always been this way and the kids are a relatively new addition.  Maybe someday I'll get over myself and date again.  I hope so at least.

Restraint

Restraint with words seems to be lacking in the cyber world.  I fall victim to my own clever, snarky comments and type them mercilessly at whomever is unlucky enough to inspire my ire.  About half the time though, I erase them and don't hit that "post" button.  I know that my sarcasm isn't really going to "help" anyone and those words could only come back to hurt me whether it be with Karma or a potential job recruiter seeing me as too volatile for employment.  It could be just a tad bit of paranoia on the latter comment, but better to be safe than sorry, right?

Focus

So we went to the pound last week and rescued a puppy.  I, being the parental unit, have the joy of taking her outside 3 times a day (at least) to go potty (hopefully).  The poor thing is doing well considering it's been less than a week, but I notice that she is quite easily distracted from the task at hand.  Sometimes she even starts looking around hoping to find a distraction and I can relate to that.  Focus isn't something I am good at maintaining anymore.  Well, if I ever was good at it. I can jam through my work or clean the entire apartment in a pinch when I'm "in the zone", but most days I'm surfing back and forth between a search engine and social media site just hoping that someone, somewhere has posted something new to entertain me with.  If I could just "focus" on what needs to get done I'd be so much better off.  Lower stress, more time for the fun projects, more time to goof off with the kids.  Maybe the puppy and I can learn this together.